Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
You Might Also Like
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.