Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
You Might Also Like
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
A leaf blower, but for people.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.