They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
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me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost