Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
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Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
pelicons
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Overindulged this afternoon.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send