I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?