Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
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When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.