If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
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“Great, now I have to pee.”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all