I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
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Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes