John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
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One venti cheeseburger please.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
i would wish you the best but i am the best
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.