I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
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*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
He took my last fry, your honor
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
How software testing works
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50