Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
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I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.