“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Never let them know your next move 😂
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.