3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
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them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles