MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
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Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.