My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar