I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays