My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
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*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
This is my brand.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
😅😅😅
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.