Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer š³
Bluetick 1: I know š thatās just Twitter though isnāt it š
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending loveā¤ļø
Bluetick 1: ā¤ļø
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CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud āAWOOGAā when you see her naked
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, youāre mainlining Lysol.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said āparalleloGram.ā
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isnāt āself defecating humourā
Me: I said you canāt eat candy.
4-year-old: Iām not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: Iām just storing it in my cheeks for later.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
itās called āno YOU were supposed to pay the electric billā
Me: Iām late, Iām late for a very important date!
Date: š
Fig: š
Prune: bro, lol
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. thatās him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
turkey? Nope. I havenāt seen a turkey
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesnāt come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ācause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Iām annoyed giraffes donāt eat birds directly outta the sky
Daughter: Before the internet howād you get anything done?!
Me: I donāt remember honey. Google it.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt