Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My birthstone is a marshmallow