I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
This story is comedy gold 😂
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby