Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
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Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
*aggressively waits in line*
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*