[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
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Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
the icebreaker
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.