My therapist after every session
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Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
We have a winner.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can