I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
LOL!
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.