Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
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succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Still laughing at this stupid meme
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.