Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
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just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.