Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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set yourself free xox
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks