What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
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Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
*Seductively hides in the woods
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.