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You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks