They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
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Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
idk what he going thru but i feel him
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”