Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
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me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
No, he would not have.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting