Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
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I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.