Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
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Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)