My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
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me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Lassie, get help!