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if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go