What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
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Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
So the ex texted me
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.