99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
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*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”