Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
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A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
uh oh
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.