When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
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Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
oh you wanna fight?!
I know a bad idea when I see one.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.