I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Bringing home a sharpie
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning