Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Nice try, NASA
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Twitter is the new flypaper.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first