I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
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Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
The human personality is made of five key elements
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.