Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
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A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
At least he brought enough for everyone
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken