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I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
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Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
What is going on? 😅
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.