When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
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Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Free him
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My safe word is now just a dry cough.