if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
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Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.