Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.