Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
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When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.