Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
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I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
me when i see my girls butt
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
guys I’m going home
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.