No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
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I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Worst Native American name ever.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL